Not Sacrifice

By Nathaniel Brown, MD

Emergency Physician

I noticed the difficulty of the holiday schedule shortly before Thanksgiving. My wife was working three dayshifts on Thanksgiving weekend. Meanwhile, my schedule put me on four straight overnights, Tuesday to Saturday.

Then I looked over at Christmas—one of us was working every single day, beginning Dec 19th until Dec 27th. Then on to New Year’s—one of us was working every day, from Dec 29th until Jan 3rd. We appeared literally booked solid for holiday break.

But then I saw December 28th! Glorious Wednesday, December 28th. One day, in those treasured few Christmas vacation weeks. When our kindergartner and first grader would be home from school, when both us healthcare-working parents would be free! Maybe everybody could go skiing. About that time, I received an email from a colleague and good friend, to see if I could somehow cover her for PM shift, on (of all days) Wednesday December 28th…

And so, this winter we miss three straight holidays as a full family, because of our odd clash of clinical schedules. A total catastrophe from a kid’s perspective.

My wife and I chose hospital medicine and emergency medicine, respectively, for our medical careers. When we were younger, the choices seemed to fit right in with how our lives were: we appreciated the challenge, had lots of outdoor hobbies, and loved to travel. Being a shift worker would give us a type of life where we could explore as much as we wanted.

Eventually, we explored parenting. And while we love being parents, kids have grounded our lives in such a way, it’s much more important now if we miss days for work that someone with office hours might possibly take for granted. Our week off—a week before Christmas—isn’t useful as family time. The kids aren’t even off school yet.

But I have it easy. The nurses I work with have extreme challenges with holiday staffing right now. One of the overnights I worked on Thanksgiving, I found myself working alongside a nurse administrator who needed to cover several open shifts. She began at one Emergency Department at 7am, working until 7pm. After that, she came to cover a double at her second ED, where she stayed, until finally was relieved at 3am. She worked 20 straight hours on Thanksgiving! What can drive a person to make that kind of sacrifice?!

I’d prefer not giving up holidays anymore. And I know this dedicated nurse had other places she could be. But she was there for it, because she cared, and because it mattered. And this is the hidden secret about sacrifice. There is a mindset we take. Religious and non-religious people alike can appreciate the wisdom, found in Hosea:

“For I desire loyal love and not sacrifice; and knowledge of God more than burnt offerings.” Hosea 6:6

What is it saying? Where we put the focus inward and linger on the thought of our own sacrifices as a source of pain or pride—it’s possible we succumb to cynicism about what we are doing. But if instead, if we choose a focus outward, employing loyal love, mercy, or faithfulness—it strengthens our momentum, it drives us to care more, as the primary energy of the act. And the part about God in the verse: “God” is something far bigger than, and outside of, each of us. This ultimately carries a core meaning into our lives. What is that to you? Do you seek out a stronger knowledge and understanding of your purpose? Or do you hope it will be enough, to only offer up your burnt leftover self in the general direction?

From the nurse’s perspective in the ED on Thanksgiving, if she went home, the only other ED nurse scheduled that night would have been left to care for the entire department alone. I was there too, but it’s a misconception that MDs have lots of experience placing IVs, so the pain was real. She didn’t intend to sacrifice or make the other nurse feel guilty she stayed, she did it for the supporting of her colleague and of the many patients that may have otherwise suffered illness or injury on the holidays. And that strong loyalty and that love outward, that’s what made it possible.

And, I do feel bad that I made a catastrophe out of my kids’ Christmas, but I am spending my week off before Christmas building them a climbing wall in the basement, with a hidden tunnel. And, not because I have to. The project is codenamed: “daddy’s shelves”.

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